I see a lot of people struggle with the idea that they are ‘in control’. The problem is that they are confused about what they have control over. Barely a day goes by that I do not see someone trying to control another person or a situation that is out of their control. I have certainly been there myself. Perhaps living through a 7.7 earthquake in 1994 really helped me get it that I’m not in control of many things. Trying to control another person’s behavior is a sure way to learn that we really can’t and a sure way to cause ourselves to suffer.
It is really quite simple. We have total control over our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors and nothing else. Byron Katie says it best when she states that there are three kinds of business: my business, your business and God’s business. And unless I stay in my business, I’m going to suffer.
So why do we try so hard to control other people or situations instead of focusing on how to control ourselves?
Because it looks easier. We don’t have to take responsibility for working on ourselves. Just focus on someone else. To look at one’s self takes maturity. And sometimes courage.
I used to believe that I had no control over my emotions which made it very difficult to exercise control over my behavior at times that I was very emotional (upset, scared, sad, etc.). It felt like these strong feelings just came over me and no matter how hard I tried to ingore them or talk myself out of them, I thought they controlled me.
Until I learned that every single feeling is caused by a thought. We may not always be conscious of the thought, but it is there. Sometimes it’s even a deeply held belief that we thought we had overcome. For example, a person may think he has overcome old fears and beliefs about money because he has been prosperous and built up savings. But then a crisis occurs such as a job loss or stock market crash and suddenly he feels complete panic and fear because his deeply held belief system, formed in the family he grew up in, tells him that there is not enough and he will be left with nothing.
But that is just a thought. It is not a proven fact. And even if he doesn’t find work for a while and goes through his savings, that still doesn’t mean he will have NOTHING. But that thought can fuel enough fear to really affect the quality of his life.
So how do you control what you can control?
By paying attention to your thoughts and feelings. By noticing when you feel bad and asking yourself, “What is the thought causing this feeling?” Then keep digging and asking why to get to the belief that is causing you to suffer. Then learn how to change your thinking. And if you don’t know how, hire a coach!
In September, I will be releasing a free audio demonstrating some thought changing techniques. Stay tuned!
