I think about attachment in two different ways. First I think about it in regards to being attached to people, and then I think about it in reference to being attached to results or outcomes. Today I want to talk about what happens when we are too attached to a result.
I’ll define a result here as a goal or outcome of your behavior or taking an action. This can include not taking action. For example, you can desire the goal of weight loss by discontinuing an action, such as overeating or over drinking.
Let’s look at how this applies to our relationships.
Anytime you are focused on a goal that involves another person changing their behavior, you are in trouble. We all probably know on some level that we cannot change other people. Then why do we get so attached to wanting to?
The single biggest reason I hear is
If s/he would just change this one thing, I would be happy.
Let me first say that there is nothing wrong with asking another person to change. Sometimes they will say okay. For example, I’m willing to stop interrupting my husband. I see that as a worthwhile change.
But twice this week, I worked with couples where one person wants the other to change. The first one involves a couple where he doesn’t like the way she interacts with her ex-husband. She feels that she is being reasonable and it’s for the benefit of their kids and that she has really heard her husband’s concerns. In this case, if her husband continues to be attached to how he wants her to interact with her ex-husband, then HE has a problem. It’s now HIS job to work on his mind to figure out how to stop suffering over it. As a point of clarification, I don’t think she is being inappropriate.
But what if she was? What if she’s being flirty with her ex? This opens a discussion about his boundaries. He has to let her know what he’s not okay with AND what he is willing to do if she violates those boundaries. He might tell her that it breaks down trust between them and he doesn’t feel close to her when she behaves that way. He might let her know various ways the relationship could change if he does not feel close and trusting with her.
If she demonstrates a lack of concern for his feelings and is unwilling to change her behavior, he might have to consider whether he wants to be in the relationship.
But the point of this post is to look at results that are not quite as black and white. Not deal breakers. It’s really about how we accept not getting our way sometimes and how we have the power to change our focus so we can be less attached to the outcome. What often happens is that when we detach and focus on how we want to think and feel, the other person ends up moving in our direction.
The real message I want to send today is that we have much more power when we detach our focus on the outcome. And that reminds me of the topic of my last post: surrender.
Here are 3 more examples:
Wanting to lose weight & letting go of the result on the scale. Instead, focusing on how you want to feel and finding better thoughts and feelings to drive the actions you need.
Wanting to make a sale. Instead of focusing on how much you want/need the commission, focus on how much you love what you can provide for your customers. Offer up that energy all day long.
Wanting your adult children to be more responsible. Recognize that it’s their life and they are on their own now and they are responsible for the life they create. No matter how much you want them to succeed and have better ideas on how they should handle things, focus on how you want to see them (strong and independent) and focus on how much you believe in them in the long run. Let go of worries and focus on encouragement,
Where are you too attached to wanting things your way? Have you tried letting go?
