The title for this post really represents a series of blog posts around self love in honor of February. My intention is that you give yourself the gift of greater self love for Valentine’s Day.
Today, I’d like to talk about the idea of “Me Before We”.
Almost every woman I have ever coached (and probably met) was conditioned to believe that it is her role to take care of others. Especially family. Many men believe the same thing, however their conditioning tends to be a little less loaded on the self-sacrafice side. So, many of us came to believe that I must put other’s needs first.
And when it comes to relationships with our mate (any significant other), we learned to always tune in to what he needs before checking in on our own. Many women report that while growing up, they watched their mother’s always put their father’s needs first.
As someone who has worked with couples for over 20 years and seen every stage of the relationship life cycle, I can tell you that this leads to same result most of the time:
She focuses so much on his needs and learns to disconnect from her own needs.
She focuses so much on his needs that she trains him that her needs are not important.
He stops focusing on her needs as a result.
She gets really, really pissed off at some point and resents meeting his needs.
I think you know where this cycle is going. It doesn’t work. But when I teach a woman (again, this can apply to men too) to focus on her needs first, she is horrified:
“That is so selfish, I’m not like that!”
Here is the CARDINAL RULE of healthy relationships, straight from week six of my 8-week course,
BEFORE I CAN BE A HEALTHY LOVE PARTNER, I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MY NEEDS IN A HEALTHY WAY
Period
The short version is: ME BEFORE WE
The execution starts with self love. You have to believe that your needs are important. You have to value yourself enough to know that you are worthy of your own time and attention. Just as worthy of it as those you have always sought to give it to.
I’d love to hear what gets in your way… what are your obstacles to self love? Comment here and we can discuss.
PS I’m hosting a free teleclass on the 2 biggest obstacles to self love and how to overcome them on February 15. If you’d like to join, just send me an email with the subject “self love February 15” and I’ll shoot you back the call in details. No opt-ins!
John,
These are complex issues to navigate in your marriage. You state, “I need it to change for me to stay with her”. That is your boundary. Whether she choses to change is her decision and out of your control. I would suggest that you focus on how you communicate this to her (with love) and keeping your focus on your thoughts and feelings and facing the possible changes that may occur as a result of this boundary. If you communicate this and she does not change and you DO stay with her, then your boundary was not solid. I think some coaching would be very helpful for you at this time!
Ellen
Ellen,
I’ve been reading through bits of your blog and website this morning and want to thank you for all the thoughtful advice and resources that you have posted.
I have been thinking about the need to focus more on improving myself, and accepting/embracing my wife for who she is, but it has been very hard.
I recently discovered that she had a brief fling with an ex-boyfriend. After confronting her she has been open, remorseful, transparent, and seemingly honest about feeling ashamed. We are communicating very well, but I am consumed by what she did. Also, she has a drinking problem that is becoming worse.
Your advice to take care of my own needs first sounds logical, but I can’t stop thinking about what she needs to do to change, to show me her focus and commitment to me and our family. She can be wonderful, but she can also be obsessive and undisciplined. I can’t embrace this part of her, and I need it to change for me to stay with her. Do you have any resources or tools you can point me to to work through this?
Thank you again for the very helpful blog posts.
I’m glad it spoke to you, Darla! It does apply to all of our relationships, not just love partners.
I love this cardinal rule, Ellen. I can apply it to other areas of my life as well. Thank you for this reminder!