Boundaries and Social Anxiety

I was talking to a client yesterday about her social anxiety.

At it’s root, is her fear of what others will think of her.

I told her that what other people think of you is none of your business.

WHAT?

She was a bit skeptical. She thought it sounded like a fantasy concept. But I told her that it was her decision. She could actually decide to stay in her business. I told her about how I made that decision and how it affected my life.

What really helped me to ‘get it’ was realizing that I had no control over what other’s think. I also realized that five different people could have five different thoughts about me. So which one was true? Which one meant something? The obvious answer had to be that none of them really meant anything unless I made it mean something.

Here’s how I know that’s true. If someone says I have green hair, I don’t worry about it and I don’t get anxious. Why? Because I don’t give that any meaning. But if someone says I look short, fat, old, fill in the blank with something I might be sensitive or insecure about, then I feel upset because I give it meaning. Why do I give that meaning and not green hair? Because of my own painful beliefs about what it means to look short or xyz…

And then there’s my beliefs about what I make it mean that you (or anyone) think I look short.

So I realized that I had to pay more attention to what I think about looking short. If I can decide that looking short is not that big of a deal, then I can put it in the same category as green hair. In other words, it has no meaning.

Now we all know that most women are sensitive about their weight. So what if it’s about my weight and looking fat? I need to address my own thoughts and beliefs about two things:

looking fat, and
what you or anyone else thinks about my looking fat.

Clearly, my thoughts about what you think are the problem. So what you think is really not the problem.

What does this have to do with boundaries?

Boundaries are about staying in my business. And staying out of your business.

What you think of me is none of my business.

To overcome social anxiety, practice believing that it doesn’t really matter what other’s think of you, that they are entitled to their opinion, and that it can’t affect you if you refuse to give it meaning. And why give it meaning when everyone’s opinion is going to be different? Their opinion of you is about THEM. It’s about the way they see the world. Otherwise, everyone would have the same opinion of you, right?

So invest your energy on your path. You have important things to think about and do, right? Don’t waste your energy or thoughts on what others think of you.

Here’s a cheatsheet I made for you. Let me know what you think.