In my last post, I talked about the need to take responsibility for our own ‘stuff’ and to get clear on what is my stuff and what is your stuff (emotional stuff). Today, I want to look at how others may try to violate your boundaries by trying to get you to do something you don’t want to do. Or how you do the same to others.
Me? No way! I don’t try to manipulate others! You may not realize it, but lets look at how you do.
Here’s an example. I’ll call her Patty. Patty’s boyfriend told her that he was going to take her on a trip to a warm climate for her birthday. He suggested a few places and told her to pick. Patty was concerned that he might not keep his word because he had let her down before. Patty had a few days off work and some free time so she researched some online travel deals and found a great one to the destination she most wanted to go. She gave the information to her boyfriend and expected he would make the reservations. When he did not follow through after a couple of weeks, she was naturally disappointed. She came up with several ideas to “make him” keep his word.
So what’s the problem?
First, she cannot make him do anything.
Second, if her plan works, he will ultimately resent her manipulation.
But doesn’t she have a right to receive the gift she was promised? The answer may surprise you.
No. She is not entitled to the gift.
She is entitled to feel any way she does about it. She is entitled to express how she feels. She is even entitled to leave the relationship if she chooses. But it is his choice to decide how he is going to act. Even if he promised.
Now I’m not saying his behavior is admirable. It actually sucks. But I am saying that his behavior is HIS. And when she tries to get him to act differently, she is in HIS business. And that means poor boundaries. Healthy boundaries mean I stay in my business. So what I’m really saying here, is that most of the time when we are trying to get a person to behave differently than they choose to, we are being manipulative.
Can you think of some ways you have been manipulative? Is there another way you could have handled the situation?
