In my last post, I shared my four favorite tools for improving your relationships. Here’s a few more thoughts about ACCEPTANCE…
Why is it so hard to accept people exactly the way they are? Why do we keep wanting and waiting and hoping for others to change? Especially in our partner relationships.
I think
that the reason has to do with not wanting to look at ourselves. We want our partner to make us happy and meet our needs. And when they are acting in a way that does not make us happy (or makes us very unhappy), we insist they must change.
He doesn’t do anything to help around the house!
We believe that is simply not okay! But who are we to say what is okay for another person to do? I can certainly say that I do not like having a partner who doesn’t contribute to maintaining our home. But I can’t make him (in the example) change. I have to accept him exactly as he is today at this very minute.
Now here is an interesting piece of the equation: I do this for me, not for him. You see, when I want him to change, I suffer. I am in conflict with reality. I resent him. I tell him what I want him to do. I tell him how much he is upsetting me. I REALLY resent doing the extra work around the house. I feel sorry for myself because my partner is such a (insert favorite word here). Plus these thoughts and feelings affect my actions. So now I am cold to him and push him away. And what is my result? I can pretty much assure you that it is not a better relationship!
So let’s go back to I do this for me. By accepting that this is how he is choosing to act, I am accepting what it. I can decide how I want to deal with it. I have choices. I can do more and ask him to take over one of my responsibilities. I can hire someone to help. I can bribe one of my children. I can live in a messier house. The options are less important than the point I am trying to make here. More important is that I can choose to feel good about my life and my day and maybe even my relationship.
But when I believe that my partner is responsible for making me happy, it’s hard to feel good about my relationship most of the time. What if he is having a bad day? Or going through a difficult time that lasts much longer than a day? I have to be clear that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS EVERYDAY!
When we take on that responsibility fully, it is much easier to see our relationship for what it is and not what we want it to be.
Now here comes the big trap:
If he loved me he would do this for me!
I used to believe that one myself. But then I learned that he can love me in any way that he chooses. I don’t want a person to have to change for me because then their love isn’t free. It feels like shackles to him. Remember I have choices. I can choose how I want to love too. And I can choose not to live with someone if I cannot tolerate their living habits.
So when we accept our partner (this also works for children, coworkers, friends and just about everything) exactly the way they are today, right this minute, we find freedom for ourselves and for those we love. And we get to look more closely inside ourselves to make a change if something doesn’t feel right.
