Today’s blog is about listening and empathy. Let’s start with a light-hearted take on the woman’s perspective with this video.
Have you heard the expression that a man’s greatest sex organ is his ear?
Why? Because feeling heard is actually a huge turn on for a woman!
Let’s get serious now. I have been working with couples and singles on relationship struggles for over 30 years and if I had to boil down the most important thing either party can do to improve the connection, it starts with these 3 words:
empathy, understanding and validation
When conflict or disagreement arise, as it inevitably will, we often go after the wrong goal. We seek to find agreement. We so desperately want our partner to see it our way. As a result, we believe that we can’t be with someone who thinks differently than us. Or we hold back and don’t express ourselves when we know we’re not in alignment with our partner.
But that’s not really the right goal for a healthy relationship. Research shows that happy, long-term couples disagree about 69% of the time, and even on big topics like values. What makes these couples strong and successful is the way they disagree. Their first priority is to listen to their partner and demonstrate an understanding of their partners position.
One of the reasons that this is so important is what happens in our brain. The limbic system is where the emotional and attachment systems reside in our brain. When we feel truly seen and heard, it creates coherence in this part of our brain which deepens our sense of security and belonging. This allows us to stay connected and stay calmer. The 2 biggest problems I see when couples start to argue is that they disconnect and get emotional. So staying connected and calmer is GOLD.
Let’s talk about how to create empathy, understanding and validation. It’s actually pretty simple.
Empathy is demonstrating to the other person that you care how they feel. Here are some examples of empathic statements:
- I can’t imagine what you must be going through
- I wish I could make it better
- I feel so sad that you are hurting
- I’m so glad you shared that with me
- This must be hard for you to talk about
- What has that been like for you?
- I’m here for you
- Is there anything you need from me right now?
Understanding is closely related. It demonstrates a desire to really understand the other person. Even when it’s not possible to completely understand what they are going through, showing your desire to understand means a lot. Here are some examples of statements of understanding:
- I can see why you thought that
- I can see your perspective
- I understand how you see it (and it’s okay that I see it differently)
- I think I see it from your view,….do I have it correctly?
- I get it
- Please help me to understand better by explaining that again
Validation is affirming that you believe the other person or their feelings are valuable or worthwhile. That can sound something like this:
- I’ve had a similar experience
- Your argument is sound (I just disagree with one of the premises)
- I have felt that way before
- Your perspective makes sense to me
Once we feel that the other person really hears and values us, even when they completely disagree, we still feel connected and valued.
So next time you find yourself in a disagreement with someone you are close to, pause for a moment before you defend your position. Take the time to really empathize, understand and/or validate. You will get a much better outcome.
