At first, you might look at this question and not really relate.
Or, you may look at it and completely identify.
Before you decide, let’s take a closer look. What exactly does this mean?
I’m going to focus on women here, but almost everything I’m going to say applies to men also.
Over-giving to prove your worth comes from a place of not believing that you are enough, as you are, to be worthy of someone’s positive regard. Often, we learn in childhood, that when we are making the other person happy, we receive more love, approval and/or attention. But when we grow up in families where we learned that we had to take care of others (physically or emotionally) to get our needs met, we can develop a pattern of pleasing others.
This pattern can take on a life of its own. Many women unconsciously come to believe that they have to be very giving and people-pleasing to assure that they will be loved and wanted.
Women love to give; it’s makes us feel good!
That’s a common statement. But here’s the thing. Women feel good when they are giving, ONLY when they have enough of the hormone oxytocin. When women give from a place of feeling DEPLETED, it does not feel good.
I use a visual to illustrate this. 
Think about the waterwheel. As the water pours down from the top, it moves the wheel in a forward direction so that when it gets to the bottom, the water spills out. This is the best way for a woman to think about giving. The water coming in at the top represents receiving FIRST. Then she can fill up and give from a place of being replenished.
This feels good.
But when we learn to over-give to prove our worth, it’s like the wheel is going backwards. We give from a place of an empty container (believing that we aren’t enough unless we please others and make them happy) which does not feel good.
In addition to feeling depleted and becoming resentful, another downside to this dynamic is that you are not truly valuing yourself for the right reasons. You don’t have to prove your value. It exists inherently because you were born. Because being a human being makes you valuable. It’s not something you have to earn.
So take a look at where you may be feeling depleted in your relationships.
Then ask yourself,
- Am I so focused on pleasing the other person?
- Do I worry about losing their love or approval if stop over-giving?
If the answer is yes to either question, it’s time to slow down. Pay attention to your own needs.
Try on the belief,
My value and worth are not related to how much I give to or please others. I am worthy of love and attention simply because I exist.
Then you can give from a clean, healthy place.
Here’s a simple exercise to practice that will help you learn to identify and meet your own needs.
