Clients often tell me that they don’t like to deal with anger or conflict in their relationships. Although both m en and women express this, it seems to be a common problem for women. Rather than explore why this is the case, I’d like to discuss overcoming it. I’m going to look at the dynamic of women not expressing their anger to men (or not expressing it in a way that is effective), although it can apply in the other direction too.
Here’s how I see it most commonly:
She sees herself as someone who is loving, caring and giving and has the limiting belief that therefore she isn’t supposed to get angry or act angry with her partner.
She tells him when something bothers her and feels he doesn’t listen so she tells him again and again. He pulls away.
So she gets more upset and eventually pulls away as she builds up more resentment.
He feels her pull away and feels rejected and unloved.
They are now LESS CONNECTED.
So, my advice is to express more anger to bring you closer!
You see, he knows she’s angry even when she pretends she’s not. And that gives him the sense that she’s not being authentic. And that leads to feeling less trust. So in order to stay close and connected, he needs to feel safe that she is expressing her true self to him and that he can count on her to be real. It’s the same concept I talked about last month in regards to her fears of saying ‘no’.
So if it doesn’t work to tell him what he is doing ‘wrong’, and it doesn’t work to hold it in and then explode, or hold it in and pretend she’s not angry, what does work?
To look at herself and explore her own anger. She can ask herself the following questions to get clear:
Is there a pattern of getting triggered by something over and over?
If so, am I willing to look at what that might be about in me?
Have I given myself permission to feel my anger, to allow myself to have my feelings?
Once she gets to know her anger better and gets more comfortable with owning it, she can then express her feelings to him.
There is a big difference between expressing her feelings and telling him he is wrong. In the former, she is just letting him know, for example: “I felt really upset when you didn’t call me all day because I got scared that it meant you don’t care”
Notice, she is owning that it is HER fear. She is not accusing him of not caring. See the difference? Now he is free to respond without feeling attacked.
When a woman (or a man) starts trusting their own feelings by looking inward first, they can express them in a way that is much less threatening to their partner. And this brings them closer.
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Yes, I agree that anger is one of those elephants in the room we want to step around but not actually work through. I like the method of dialling down anger like it is on a dial.
Thanks
Bren