In the last post, Ghost Wars, I wrote about what to do when the ghost of your younger self shows up, especially in a conflict with your partner (or any conflict).
Today, I want to talk about how to respond when the other person’s ghost shows up. As a quick recap, our ghosts are the part of ourselves that respond and react in the present, as if it were the past. So if you had a controlling or suffocating parent, your ghost might have a habit of avoiding or running away.
This is exactly what Devon does. He learned at a younger age to avoid when things got heated. So today, when his partner Cheri is upset with him and expresses something that bothers her, Devon’s ghost shows up and he will either make a beeline for the door, or lie to avoid “getting in trouble”. So how can Cheri deal with Devon’s ghost?
Using our ghostBUSTing acronym from Ghost Wars with a few modifications:
B- Be aware that his ghost is in the room. You may see your 43 year old husband trying to change the subject or ignore you (which may trigger your ghost), but remember that at this moment, he is responding from the mentality of a child who is afraid of the wrath of his angry father. Seing him this way will help you to avoid responding from your emotion and remind you that you first have to deal with a child ghost in the room.
U- Unlink from him. Don’t reenact the cycle with him. Don’t play the role of the abusive or angry parent. Say something to remind him that you are not going to act the way his father reacted, but be subtle. You might try something like, “I know you don’t like talking about the budget, but I”m not going to freak out.”
S- Stay calm and neutral and unemotional. If you start overreacting, he will have more proof that avoiding you is the best response.
T- Think about ways to communicate your message that address his ghost fears. Clarification and reassurance, from Ghost Stories, are usually needed. The more you understand the fears of his ghost and help him to feel heard, the easier it will be to know what he needs from you. Devon may have just needed to know that you were not going to attack him on his spending or be harshly critical. You could say, “Just because we have different views on spending and savings, doesn’t mean I won’t hear you out. I am open to hearing your view and will really listen.”
This means that you have to really be open. You can see why when one ghost shows up, the partner’s ghost is usually triggered and it can quickly escalate into a ghost war. At that point, two children are fighting and no one wins.
So the main message of this series comes back to where we started. We have to be willing to be uncomfortable so we can tolerate our partner’s ghost showing up without regressing into our own. By staying with this discomfort for a moment, we can employ our rational thinking, do our ghostBUSTing and quickly return to an interaction between two adults.
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