I’ve been talking a lot lately about why it’s important to learn how to be uncomfortable (when necessary) in our relationships in order to evolve, to grow and to overcome difficult patterns where we get stuck with our partners. This also applies to all of our relationships, not just intimate ones, so pay attention, even if you are unpartnered at the moment.
Today, I want to apply this to what one of my clients calls our “ghost stories”. Michelle was telling me about what happens when her and her husband get into conflict.
“It’s like there’s a ghost in the room. There’s my adult husband sitting across from me, and then there’s this ghost of his six year old self, who is so terrified of being attacked, that he attacks first.”
As we explored this further, Michelle was able to see that she also has a ghost. She is a strong, capable, smart woman. But her ghost is a terrified six-year-old child who is terrified of being rejected. So here’s how their ghosts “play” together. And this is NOT a fun type of play:
Let’s say they have a disagreement about spending money on the kids. Mack (her husband), whose ghost tends to think he is being attacked, believes that Michelle’s desire to buy their daughter an expensive birthday gift means that she values the daughter’s needs above his. He makes it mean this because she thinks they should postpone their weekend away since the gift costs about the same amount as the hotel. His ghost starts snapping at Michelle and accusing her of not caring about him. Now Michelle’s ghost can’t tolerate this because she is making it mean that he thinks she is not a good wife and may end up leaving her. Now her ghost is in panic mode and starts reacting to him.
Now we have two 6-year old ghosts who are reacting from extreme emotions and have limited, child-like coping skills. You can see that this will not end well.
Michelle: “What are you talking about! I do not put her needs first!”
Mack: “Yeah right, that’s why you sat and talked to her until 11 pm last night when I was waiting for you to come to bed.”
Michelle: “She had just broken up with her boyfriend! You are so selfish! Why do you always make it about you!”
Mack now attacks in a highly escalated manner.
Michelle is now inconsolable because she believes her relationship is ending.
Here’s how building the skill of tolerating discomfort could have changed everything. In Take Two, Michelle recognized that Mack’s upset and selfishness, was really his six-year-old ghost feeling attacked. So, while it was extremely uncomfortable for Michelle to sit with her feelings (she felt unfairly criticized and attacked too), she knew that reacting from that place would escalate things. So instead, she said this:
“Mack, I would be really upset too if I thought you didn’t care about me or our weekend away (empathy and validation). But you are misunderstanding. Our weekend away means so much to me. I can’t wait to just spend time alone together and have a romantic weekend with no interruptions. I just want to do it next month when it won’t disrupt our budget (clarification).”
Now, Mack may not like this, but he is much less likely to interpret it as an attack on him and attack back.
It works the other way too. Here’s what happens when Mack consciously chooses to sit with his discomfort.
Michelle denies that she puts their daughter’s needs first and he immediately feels the need to attack and bring up how she did it last night. Instead, he remembers that her ghost is in the room. He says,
“It’s just so hard for me to think that I’m not important to you (because that is another theme of his ghost: not good enough). I was really looking forward to our weekend away and I’m wondering if you really want to go (clarification instead of attack).”
This gives Michelle an opportunity to reassure him, instead of being put on the defensive and led to a calm, loving exchange.
What I love about this is that BOTH partners have the power to turn it around by tolerating their own discomfort. Instead of reacting, they each can use a more mature approach that will bypass a “ghost war”.
Next week, I’m going to talk more about ghost wars and learning the skills to tame your ghost.
