Last time, I wrote about Ghost Stories. This is when two people in a relationship experience some sort of conflict or tension, and our mysterious “ghosts from the past” show up and start acting like a haunted version of our younger self. For example, let’s say that I am very sensitive to criticism and that when I was a child, my parent freaked out and became hysterical and critical if I did something wrong. Today, I can be having an adult interaction with my partner who casually mentions a mistake I made and my “ghost” shows up and turns into a six-year-old child who is paralyzed by fear and withdraws. Or my ghost could be a ten-year-old child who gets really defensive and attacks him in a way that is clearly an overreaction.
Ghosts come in many forms.
Today’s post is to give you tips for what to do when you find yourself in a ‘ghost war’. This happens when your ghost shows up and triggers your partner’s ghost. In the above example, let’s say that I get defensive and attacking and overreact (of course I would never do this ;-). This wakes up his ghost who is a six-year-old boy who was beaten and criticized (these are made up examples so let’s change the names to Marissa and Evan).
Evan now leaves the room because he was not safe with his unstable mother and he learned to protect himself by avoiding. This pisses off Marissa’s ghost even more because another trait of her ten-year-old ghost is that no one ever listened to her, so she follows Evan into the other room and we have a full blown ghost war.
Here are the most important tools to use and practice when your ghost shows up. You probably won’t notice at first, you will just be focused on what the other person did to trigger you. This is why we must practice our emotional intelligence skill of self-awareness. Learn to notice when you have left your calm zone. Learn to become a Ghost Buster:
B- be aware. Immediately label what is happening to you. My ten-year-old ghost just showed up because I felt criticized. This is extremely important because it shifts the focus off of him/her and back onto you so you can focus on controlling the only thing you can control: your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Not theirs.
U- unlink what your partner did or said from the original perpetrator. Tell your ghost (which by now you can see is just a part of yourself) He is not my mother, I am not a child. This will help you get into the present moment. As long as you’re reacting from the past, you are powerless.
S- Stay present and center in your body. This forces the ghost to retreat. Take a deep breath and feel the expansion in your diaphragm. This not only initiates the vagus nerve into the relaxation response, it also shifts your focus away from emotional thoughts in your mind, to being present and grounded in your body. I always use the concept of ‘feeling my toes’ which moves my mind away from thinking pissed off thoughts, to feeling a physical sensation. Feeling a physical sensation brings us present and the ghost cannot survive when we are in the present moment.
T-Think about creating calm and safety. After you get out of the strong, reactionary thoughts in your mind and center in your body, you can return to your mind and choose thoughts that feel calming and safe. He is not hurting me or attacking me, he’s just expressing something he does not like. I am okay, I can keep myself safe. No need to attack.
Next time, I’ll talk about what to do when you notice your partners’ ghost show up. Remember, if your ghost starts reacting, your main task is to manage your own. You can’t be effective in dealing with theirs, until you ghost bust yourself
