We all want to have better relationships, right?
And we all know that we can’t control other people or get them to act the way we want them to, right?
And most of us can identify a relationship (or 2) where we don’t have the easy option to just end the relationship (our kids, other family member, sometimes coworkers, etc).
So what can we do?
If you’ve worked with me long enough, you know that I’m going to say that you have to focus on changing how you show up in the relationship. Why? Because it’s the only thing you can really control. I talk about a lot of ways we can improve how we show up, but today I want to share one of the most powerful tools. As always, the concept is pretty simple. My yoga teacher said it yesterday while we were in chair pose, which can be quite uncomfortable. She said “Observe; don’t react.”
Why is this so important and what does it really mean?
In the context of the yoga pose, or other physical demands, it means we use a stronger part of our mind to observe the discomfort or pain. My thighs were talking loudly to me. They were saying, “This is ridiculous, this hurts, you can’t hold this much longer, my teacher might have super strong quads but mine aren’t quite there, I think it’s time for a rest, let’s just go into child’s pose.”
Fortunately, I have this OTHER part of my brain that can just observe what is happening without reacting. Fortunately, I’ve been practicing using this part of my brain so I knew what to do. I just “watched” my thoughts about how hard this was. Instead of making a decision from that part of my brain (immediately avoid the discomfort and pain and go to child’s pose), which is reacting, I just noticed it from a neutral place. So this is what the watching part of my brain does. I call it The Watcher. It notices the discomfort but it does not make reactive decisions. It is wise. It knows that I’m not going to die or experience a serious injury (in that case, it’s time to stop). The watcher just kinda says “Isn’t it interesting that those sensations are so strong.” It does not equate that with EMERGENCY.
The Watcher knows that if I take some breaths and remain present and don’t let my mind go into reaction mode that I will be okay. It is so wise, that it also knows that this discomfort will make me stronger.
So let’s apply this to relationships. Especially the times when someone says or does something to annoy us. Or even seriously piss us off. If we do not employ The Watcher part of our brain, we will react from the emotion of anger. I never do my best thinking from strong emotions. If our buttons really get pushed, it weakens the connection to our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that does the best thinking, planning and problem solving. So to really have the most impact in my relationships, I want to respond from my prefrontal cortex, not from strong emotional reaction. It’s like being in chair pose, and my mind says, “Get out!” But if I employ The Watcher and just observe, it gives me time to think about what is going on and to choose how I want to respond.
So let’s say my son talks back or says something pretty rude or critical. In reaction mode, I just want to lash out. But if I’m in Watcher mode, I can tell myself, “Isn’t it interesting that he just did that. I’m not in immediate danger so I don’t have to respond quickly.” I can take a moment to think about the message I want to send him. I can take a moment and remember the results I got last time I lashed out and responded from emotion.
Observe; don’t react. It’s the most powerful tool you have in relationships.
