HOW TO LET GO OF RESENTMENT PERMANENTLY

I hope that you’ve been learning a lot about yourself and why you haven’t found the love of your life by reading my posts on letting go of old losses and old rules, rewriting old agreements, and busting through the lies you tell yourself.    As Rumi said in the 13th century,

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

As I mentioned before, old stuff can take up a lot of space in our hearts that leave less room for love.  One of the biggest culprits inhabiting this space is resentment.  One client recently told me,

I don’t want to let go of my resentment towards my ex-husband.  He deserves it!  If I stop being angry at him for what he did to me, then he got away with it and he’s off the hook.

Here’s what I told her,

Sadly, he did ‘get away with it’ because it happened 15 years ago.  Your belief that he’s still ‘on the hook’ is a lie you tell yourself.  He doesn’t think about it, he doesn’t care.  All keeping him ‘on the hook’ does is keep the toxic energy of resentment in your heart.  He’s moved on, you haven’t.

This was very painful for her to hear.  But the following week, she told me that she thought about it a lot and she felt so much freer once she decided to let it go.

LETTING GO OF RESENTMENT IS A GIFT YOU GIVE YOURSELF!  It has nothing to do with letting the other person off the hook.  They are still responsible for their past behavior, but this has nothing to do with you today. Today, let yourself reclaim this space in your heart for more love.  There simply can’t be love and resentment in the same space inside of you.

So here are the steps to clearing out more space for love by letting go of old resentments:

1. Identify any old resentments you are holding on to.  Make a list.  Set aside some quiet time where you will not be interrupted.  Take five minutes to center yourself by doing some mindfulness breathing with your eyes closed.  Bring your focus inward and ask yourself what old hurts or anger you may still be carrying.  Write them down.  Don’t limit this to former lovers or partners.  Include any past betrayal where you are still holding on to some hurt.  For each one, complete the following:

I resent _____________ because________________.  This is what she/he did that s/he     should not have done, or should have done differently:__________________________.

2.  Identify how you showed up in that relationship.  Where you being your best self?  Were you being needy?  Demanding?  Childish? Insecure?  Shut down? Unavailable?  Really dig deep and be honest with yourself about how you showed up in that relationship.  This is not to blame you for another person’s behavior, it’s to help you learn.

3.  How did you co-create any part of this?  Were there ways that you contributed to your own victimization?  Were there times that you didn’t listen to that voice inside of yourself that saw something?  Knew something?  Where did you dismiss your feelings?  Where weren’t you honest with yourself?  How did you devalue yourself?  Were you scared that if you spoke up s/he might get angry or reject you?  Or that you would never find someone better because you undervalued yourself?  How did you give away your power?

4.  Can you forgive yourself by identifying ways that this can help you grow?  What are some ways that you can commit to your growth?  What can you say to yourself to start the process?  Do you need to promise yourself that you will never love someone else more than you love yourself?

5.  What would you have to let go of in order to be free of this resentment?  What would you have to accept (this doesn’t mean accepting another person’s bad behavior, but maybe accepting that it happened, or accepting that you can’t change who they are)?  Are you still wanting something from this person?  Can you let that go in order to be free and move on?

Here is a free worksheet that I created for you to fill out the answers to these questions.  It also includes a Bonus Section that takes you even deeper.  You will not be sorry!

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