More on boundaries today! I received a couple of questions last week dealing with the difficulty of saying no. Here’s one that many of you can relate to:
Dear Ellen,
I know that it’s important for me to have good boundaries but I find it so difficult to say no, especially to family. How do I know when I am being selfish versus taking care of myself? Carol
What a great question, Carol! I’m sure that we’ve all faced this dilemma at times. First I’ll give you the short answer and then expand.
When helping you is harming me, it’s time to stop. I just heard Carson Daly on the Today Show this morning talk about how his mother died from what he believed to be the stress of caregiving her very ill husband. While I doubt it will kill most of us, the point is that often we do things “in the name of love” that are harmful to ourselves and this is never wise.
How do you determine what is harm, versus what is inconvenient? This is really important. I call it “the line in the sand” and the only way to identify it is to listen to your inner voice.
Not the voice of your mother.
Or your spouse, child, boss or best friend.
Only you know the TRUTH of what’s right for you. Remember Byron Katie’s quote from last week’s blog?
She states that our main business is to ask ourselves WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME?
So now, let’s say that when we search our inner truth, we find that it’s really not in our best interest to drive our parents everywhere they need to go, since they don’t drive anymore (for example). You might hear that voice of guilt tell you that you should do this for them because they did everything for you when you were small.
Do Not Engage with that voice, Just observe it. Expect it. Remind yourself that when it comes to thinking about taking care of our aging parents, that it’s natural for the voice of guilt to show up. That doesn’t mean you have to take it seriously. Instead, take seriously your inner wisdom. Trust yourself to know what’s right for you.
Notice I didn’t say trust yourself to know what you want to do or feels good. Sometimes we have responsibilities that are uncomfortable but we choose to take them on from a clean place of knowing that it’s the right decision.
So if being a chauffeur is not the right choice for you, here’s how you say no. I like the “love sandwich” concept. It advises that we deliver the no (the meat) between two yeses (the bread) like this:
The first yes can be acknowledgement: I know how much you like to get fresh food daily from the store.
The no: I just won’t be available to take you every day.
The top slice of yes: I’d be happy to take you twice a week.
There are many ways to say no. Just keep in mind two important points. First, be honest and direct. Second, be kind.
One more point I’d like to add about saying no. When you say yes and you are not honoring yourself or your needs, you tend to become resentful. Over time, that resentment can really affect your relationship with the other person (that you need to say no to). So when you find it hard to say no because you are concerned about letting them down, remember that becoming resentful toward them will let them down even more.
Besides, worrying about how your truth will affect the other person is getting into their business and we just looked at that last week. Stay in your business to keep healthy boundaries.
PS I will be posting each blog in video format on my facebook page here. Come over and say hi.
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