I have shared one of my favorite quotes here before that embodies my philosophy of relationship coaching.
It’s by Rumi:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
You see, we are all born perfect little love machines. We want nothing more than to give and receive love. But then we are influenced by the many, many external messages we take in, especially while we are growing up. The thing is, small children often take in messages in ways that are entirely different than they were meant. Then there are children who get really, really crappy messages about love or their lovability. Then we reach adolescence and take everything personally and long for external validation from our peer group, which we often don’t get in exactly the way we had hoped.
So is it any wonder that by the time we are adults that we have received some pretty mixed messages about love?
Today, I want to look at one particular area that creates a “barrier within yourself that you have built against” love. And that is our old agreements.
An old agreement can be any agreement, conscious or unconscious, that we made with ourselves, or with someone else, that directs us away from a great romantic relationship. Here are some examples:
I was raised by a single mother and made a promise (inside myself or to my mother) that I would not get married until she found a partner first.
I was separated from my high school sweetheart by a long distance move and promised him I would never love anyone else the way I loved him.
My father bullied my mother and I vowed to be her protector.
My sister was the pretty one and I was the smart one and I decided that attracting a man was not for me.
My mother told me she could never leave my father because she would have no way to support herself and the kids financially and I decided never to be financially dependent on a man
Now the last one may sound reasonable and even smart. But sometimes these agreements backfire. My client who made that agreement with herself ended up choosing men who were not financially strong or sound. So she was never financially dependent on them. But she ended up being very resentful which kept her from having the partnership she longed for.
Here are the steps to take to remove these “barriers within yourself that you have built against love”:
First, identify any old agreements you may be holding on to. Dig deep here. Don’t just explore the surface. Ask yourself, “what were early beliefs I formed about relationships, my place in relationships, how men and women treat each other, what hurts me, and what is expected of me?
Answering these questions may give you clues to find hidden agreements you made. Once you have identified the agreement, rewrite it. Using the example of the woman who vowed to protect her mother from her abusive father, it might look like this:
Dear Mom,
I recently realized that when I was a child growing up, I was so upset about the way dad treated you that I promised myself I would always protect you. It made me feel good to believe that I had this important job. But now that I am in my late 20’s and I have begun to wonder why none of my relationships ever work out, I realized that I have been holding the belief deep down inside of me that it was still my job to protect you and take care of you. Now that I am an adult, I understand that it was never really my job and I was probably pretty powerless to affect dad’s behavior. I also now understand that it was your decision to stay with a man who bullied you. I want you to know that I am officially resigning from the job of being your protector. I know that you want me to be an independent adult and have a life and love life of my own. I still love you and always will, but I am going to let you handle your relationships since you are an adult.
Love,
Me
You do NOT have to send this letter or even tell the person. They might not even be living. But I do highly recommend that you visualize yourself face to face with this person and saying these words and visualize their acceptance of it (even if you don’t think they would react that way).
What old agreements have you uncovered? How will you free yourself?
