Letting Go of Old Emotions

In my last blog post about mindfulness, I talked about the benefit of a mindfulness practice to help you be less reactive in your interactions with others. I defined reactivity as responding from emotion instead of rational thinking. One of the bigger problems with emotional reactions is that they can include layers of old, unexpressed and unresolved emotions. This is more likely to happen when an area of sensitivity is ignited in the brain.

I define an area of sensitivity as:

something that is connected to an old hurt, wound or injury

Here is an example.

Bill realized that he has sensitivity around being given an ultimatum.  He had a strong reaction to his wife when she set a reasonable boundary with him.  When he explored under the surface of his anger, he found some painful wounds related to being bossed around and told what to do by his 4 older siblings and his parents, while not feeling like any of them ever listened to him or his wants.

Bill developed the belief that when his needs or wants are in conflict with others, his will be ignored.  This was painful for him as a child.  Over time, it felt like no one cared about his needs or wants so he became more vigilant about getting them met which led to an intolerance towards others telling him what to do.

So, in the present, when his wife tries to express her needs or wants, he experiences it in his “six year old brain” as a threat to getting his needs met and he becomes angry and hostile.

We know that being mindful involves accepting what is present right now in this moment without judgement. But when the emotional reaction in this moment is exaggerated due to layers of old emotional wounds, that came make it very difficult for Bill to accept and be present with his feelings because they feel HUGE.

This is where peaceful surrender is called for.  I consider this a cousin of mindfulness.

In Bill’s example, he must first be conscious and aware enough to notice what is happening.

I’m having a really strong emotional reaction

He must observe this with neutrality and acceptance, and not judge himself or others who he might blame for his reaction. The minute he allows his attention to be captured by his mind’s desire to blame, he will lose his ability to stay calm and think rationally and respond in a healthy, mature way.  Something like this,

I’m having a strong emotional reaction.  It’s okay.  It just means that something (area of sensitivity) got triggered in my brain.  I need to look at the current situation with clear, rational thinking, not from my emotionally reactive brain.  Let me take a deep breath and pause for a minute before I react.

Once Bill can pause, he then has the option to choose.  Am I willing to let go of the old emotions?

Just because we’ve had a painful or traumatic experience with being bullied, not heard, yelled at, criticized, lied to, cheated on, etc., doesn’t mean that we have to hold on to it

We can choose to let go of old emotions!  We can decide to stop carrying it around anymore.  We can decide that it will be better for our current relationships to let it go.

When I choose to let go of all old hurt around (fill in the blank), it doesn’t mean that I’m more likely to be hurt again.

It means I am free.

What are you ready to be free of?

Click the comment button to the right of the title and let me know.

                                                                  Photo credit:  Mazhar Zandsalimi on Unsplash.com