When I look back at the list of reasons that people make poor relationship choices from my April 17 blog, the next 
one that jumps out at me to write about is:
- projecting onto others what you cannot face inside of yourself
This is an interesting dynamic. In this scenario, a person who has unresolved issues in a certain area will unconsciously choose a partner who also has unresolved issues in that area. For example, a current client had some difficult financial issues in both of her marriages. In the first one, her spouse was financially irresponsible and accumulated a lot of debt for the couple. Since her second husband was financially secure and savvy, she thought she had no worries in this area. But it turned out that he was very controlling around money and used it to be critical of her earnings and to ‘keep score’. As I learned more about her history, it turns out that her parents were very focused on saving money and she heard messages growing up about money that were fear-based and ‘not enough’. Although she is aware that she has her issues in this area, she believes that the problems in both marriages around money were all based on his behaviors. In other words, her own issues are unresolved and she projected onto him what she had not looked at in herself.
Why do we avoid looking at our own unresolved issues and end up married to someone with related issues? Why do some people who grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent end up married to an alcoholic?
Here are two theories:
The first one was articulated by Dr. Freud. He called it the ‘repetition compulsion’. He said that when we have unresolved childhood wounds we are drawn to people who will ‘re-injur’ us in that area. This is so we can attempt to ‘fix it’ as an adult because we believe it will be different with our partner.
How’s that workin for ya (as Dr. Phil likes to say)?
Not so good.
Another explanation is that the law of attraction brings things into our lives on the same vibrational level that we are at. So if you are fear based around money, you will attract someone to you who is fear based. And most issues around money are fear based.
So how do we make better choices in our relationships and not end up with someone who has the very problems we are avoiding inside ourselves?
Look in the mirror. Get clean on your own issues. Notice what’s coming up in your relationships with others and ask yourself “what is my part?” Maybe the reason that person is in your life is to help you look at your own issues. So instead of blaming, look at it as an opportunity for your growth.
