Relationship Choices

I recently saw this list in a Q & A piece by Deepak Chopra on Oprah.com.  A woman asked him about reasons for poor choices in relationship partners and he replied that it’s about not knowing yourself.  He listed 10 obstacles to seeing your patterns in relationships more clearly:

• Wanting to fulfill a fantasy.
• Denying what is before your eyes.
• Trying to reinforce a cherished self-image.
• Buying into beliefs that don’t fit reality.
• Stubbornly insisting that your way is the right way.
• Depending on others too much, or the opposite, trying to control others too much.
• Acting immaturely.
• Imitating your parents’ relationship or the opposite, trying to have the opposite of their relationship.
• Repeating the past because you distrust the future.
• Projecting on to others what you cannot face inside yourself.

There is so much to look at here.  How many of us really look closely at ourselves when a relationship doesn’t work out?  Too many people focus on the other person and their flaws and place blame.  I wanted to explore a few of these more deeply.  I’ll start with the first one and continue in future blogs or next month’s newsletter (make sure you have  signed up to receive them each month).

Why do we get into relationships to fulfill a fantasy?  Is there some belief that says, “If I am with this person, it means……”  This is an important question to answer.  What are you making it mean?  Does it mean I’m attractive enough because my partner is good looking?  Does it mean I am successful because my partner has a lot of money?  Does it mean I’m lovable because my partner is clingy and doesn’t like to go anywhere without me?

Do we really want our definition of ourselves to be based on things about our partner?  Why do we do this?  There is really only one answer.  Because we are not taking responsibility for seeing ourselves in the positive way we want to be seen.  So if I have a need to see myself as more attractive and I pick a partner who is either very good looking, or finds me very good looking, then I might not see my partner for who he really is.  I’m too busy getting that need met.  What if I could get that need met in me first before I seek a partner?  Wouldn’t that allow me to see my partner more clearly?

We all seek to get some needs met by a partner.  Taking a good look at what those are can really help you see patterns in your relationship choices.   More importantly, it can direct you to see what needs you should be taking responsibility for meeting yourself.