photo credit Jeremy Perkins on Unsplash
My last two posts talked about mindfulness in relationships and letting go of old emotions. Both of these concepts share one underlying theme; the importance of being present with your feeling states.
This is not that difficult when our feelings are positive, but what about when we’re experiencing difficult or uncomfortable emotions. Our difficulty staying present with uncomfortable feelings underlies most problems in our lives, including addictions and compulsive behaviors. The default pattern for most humans is to “check-out” when things get too emotionally uncomfortable. I talked about learning to embrace discomfort in this post, but today I want to take it a step further.
This is where we stay completely connected to our painful feelings and “let them burn”. Sometimes, it hurts so much, it can feel like a fire.
Like the loss of a loved one.
The good news is that it can’t kill us. We really aren’t going to burn up.
The even better news is that inside of the ring of fire is the core of peace.
You see, if. you just stay with the feeling and don’t check out, you will move into the center.
Here’s an example from my client this week and a step by step How to Use the Ring of Fire to Get to the Core of Peace Guide:
Toby has been dating a man for almost a year. There had been some mixed messages about whether they were exclusive and she recently found evidence that he had been with other women. Toby decided that she only wanted to move forward if the relationship was exclusive so she decided to end it.
Let me give the How To here so you can see how it applied to Toby:
Step One is to recognize that a Circumstance (C) is in conflict with your belief about how things need to be for you to feel okay. Click the link below to see the model
and notice the upper right where the C starts to meet the blue ring (sorry I couldn’t find a way to show it on this page).
As you can see in the picture, when the Circumstance (end of relationship) hits the blue ring or Core Values about what she needs to feel okay (I need to be loved by a man to believe that I am lovable), there will be tension and resistance.
Step Two is to enter the next box, which says Acceptance, Allowing & Surrender move you to the Ring of Fire & then to Core of Peace. This is where it tends to get ‘hot and heavy’. Remember, the goal of our primitive brain is to avoid pain. So it creates resistance. It will tell you lots of reasons to NOT go into the Ring of Fire. So then what happens, is that we hover on the edge of the fire, thinking we are avoiding pain, but we are actually creating a slow burn that will keep the pain going!
Step Three is to repeat Step Two and actually enter the fire. Yep! Let it burn! I know this can suck. But that’s okay. Because it’s the only way to get to the Core of Peace. And that’s what we really want, right? So this step is all about Acceptance, Allowing & Surrender. Most of us have never really done this before. This is what it looks like in your brain:
Ouch, this hurts. This hurts too much. I can’t bear it. I need some relief. Maybe I can just text him once. Maybe I can look on his Facebook or Instagram. Maybe I can call a friend who will make me laugh. I think I need a glass of wine. No a shot of vodka.
Here’s what we say back to our brain:
It’s okay to feel this pain. Loss is a natural part of life and it hurts. If I feel it now, I won’t have to feel the constant lower-level pain that will persist for as long as I resist. If I feel it now, I won’t have to overeat (over drink, etc.) too keep numbing myself. I am strong and I can handle any feeling. If I feel it FULLY, without any resistant thoughts, I will be free!
One challenging part that takes practice is not thinking while you are feeling. Try to keep your focus in your body and on the sensations of the feeling, such as tightness in your chest, tension, buzzing, tingling, etc. When you notice a thought, just let it slide away and not “stick”.
Step Four is to slip into the Core of Peace. You will know you are there because it will be very quiet. Take as many breaths here as you’d like and just enjoy the peace. You might even be aware of a loving presence.
Remember that you can always come back here for a visit, even when you’re not dealing with painful emotions.
Back to Toby. She felt the fire and retreated. She reached out to him. She still knew that she wanted exclusivity and that he wan’t on the same page. Next time the pain came back, she used Acceptance, Allowing & Surrender and just felt it and cried deep sobbing cries. It only lasted a few minutes, and then she felt a sense of calm. She realized that for many months now, she’d been hanging out on the edge of the fire, kind of knowing that he may be seeing other women, but too afraid to confront it. After visiting the Ring of Fire, she realized that she could handle it and that at some point, her heart would heal if she let go of the fear and resistance. She realized that the Ring of Fire was not only a path to her Core of Peace, but also a path to find the partner she desired.
Click comments near the top and tell me about your experiences in the Ring of Fire.
