Do you apologize often?
Do you constantly feel like you’re letting others down?
One sure fire way to know if you are an ‘over-apologizer’ is to ask yourself, “Do I often feel responsible for and invested in other peoples’ happiness”? Because if you do, you will be constantly apologizing due to your inability to keep them happy.
And it’s not because you don’t try hard, it’s because it is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE to be responsible for others’ feelings. Why?
Because we are all responsible for our OWN feelings. And how do I know that? Because our thoughts create all of our feelings. So, if I feel hurt because of something you did, it’s because I have a thought about it that creates hurt feelings.
Now, I’m not saying that you are not responsible for your actions. If you promise me something and break your promise, you are responsible for that decision and behavior. But if I’m hurt by it (well, yeah), it’s because I have thoughts about how I expected you to act.
Let me clarify; I’m not saying that I approve of that behavior, I’m only saying that I can’t control it. And I’m also not saying I would not feel hurt. What I am saying is that the person who betrayed me or lied to me or let me down is not responsible for my feelings.
So back to over-apologizing.
When you are invested in other people feeling a certain way or not feeling a certain way (I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable at my party, I want my son to be happy, I don’t want her to feel jealous of my success, etc), then you are taking too much responsibility for their feelings. So, any time you apologize because another person may not like your decision, comment or actions, you are giving away your power. This is different than apologizing because you recognize that you make a mistake. That’s a good thing!
So how do you recover from over-apologizing?
First and foremost, begin to notice where you do this and change your internal beliefs about being responsible for how someone else feels. Notice, observe, catch yourself and then remind yourself that no matter how much you want to, you can’t constantly change how someone else feels. It’s exhausting to try! Then, instead of apologizing, try one of these three options:
Show appreciation. Instead of apologizing because dinner took longer to cook and is starting late, try saying, “I really appreciate your patience”.
Ask for understanding. Instead of apologizing for setting a boundary that someone did not like, such as “If you aren’t here within ten minutes of our meeting time, I will leave”, try “Thanks for understanding”.
The third suggestion is to acknowledge their feelings or discomfort. Instead of apologizing for not joining in something that makes you uncomfortable, try, “I know this is hard for you but this is what I need to do”.
Where do you find yourself over-apologizing?
