Whether you are currently single or considering leaving a relationship, have you ever wondered, “Why do I keep ending up disappointed?”
The reason is probably not what you think. After working with hundreds of women who have struggled with this question, I have found that there are four common lies they tell themselves.
The first lie is that there is a Mr. or Mrs. Right. No such thing. But there is Mr. Right for You (I’ll stick with the male pronoun for ease of discussion but this applies to Mr. and Mrs.). This person will not be perfect. You will not hear violins or see unicorns (assuming you are sober) when you meet him. You will know he is Right for You over time, by getting to know him. By going through tough times together. By experiencing how he disappoints you (it happens in every relationship) and coming back to love, again and again.
You have to learn how to let go of your fantasy images of how your relationship will look and be OPEN to what your picture will be in order to find lasting love. So forget about Mr. Right and go for “the real deal”.
The second lie is I just haven’t met the right one yet. Unless you’re in your early 20’s, you’ve probably met quite a few contenders. And sure, there are those times it’s just not a match. But if you have dated quite a bit and not found the right partner, then it’s probably something INSIDE of you that’s pointing you away from the “good ones” and toward the “wrong ones”.
And I’m not referring to what you ate for breakfast. I’m referring to your thoughts and beliefs. Did you know that every result we have in our life started with a thought or belief? For example, I have one client who had a very abusive mother growing up. She had a lot of therapy and believed she had worked through her past. However, she has had 3 failed marriages where she blames her ex and sees herself as the victim. She thought that came from the fact that her first husband cheated on her and lied. She finally realized that she had deeply held beliefs that she couldn’t trust people to treat her well and they would let her down.
Once she learned how to shift these beliefs, everything changed. She is now dating a fabulous man and learning to build trust in him every day. What if you could identify which beliefs are holding you back? This is how you move the needle on your Love Compass! I have created a worksheet for you to identify how your beliefs may be blocking you from the love and partnership you really want. Click here to download it for free.
Lie number three is I don’t need to look my past, I just want to focus on the future. Well, this one is true and false. It’s true to the extent that you should not look at the past as a predictor of the future. Just because something happened in the past, that does not mean it will happen again. Just because your ex cheated on you does not mean that men can’t be trusted or the next man you date is a lying scumbag.
The part that is NOT true is that we can ignore how our past has impacted our beliefs. See number 2 above. The experiences we’ve had earlier in our life create our beliefs about who we are in relation to love. I have another client whose mother told her that she’s resented her since the day she was born. Don’t you think this woman felt that growing up? What sort of beliefs do you think she developed about herself and being lovable?
Then there are the beliefs we form about partnerships, marriage and the gender we are attracted to. If you grow up watching your father bully your mother or visa versa, do you think that can impact your beliefs? If your parents constantly fought or bickered, do you think you may have some beliefs about what marriage might be like? Or perhaps you came to decide that since your parents fought so much, that a good relationship does not involve some arguments. If you developed that belief and then you find yourself arguing with your partner, you might make that mean that the relationship is not healthy.
One of the factors that make this really powerful is that we sometimes don’t even know we are holding these beliefs because they can be held in our unconscious mind. Can you see why it is SO IMPORTANT to do some mining into your old beliefs? Get your Hidden Beliefs Worksheet that will help you do exactly that. Just click on the link and I’ll send you the worksheet to help you get started figuring out what old beliefs could be holding you back in your relationship (or lack of one) today.
The final lie women often tell themselves and each other is all the good ones are taken. Not possible. Of the over 323 million people in the US, 52% of the women over 15 and 49% of the men over 15 are single. Take out another half who may be in a relationship and that still leaves a few million. Even after you narrow down for preferences by religion, age, income, etc., there are good people out there.
One of the things I often hear from clients is that they’re not attracted to or interested in the ones that are interested in them. Again, see #2. I have one client who has gone out with at least 10 different men she would consider “good guys” who were interested in her, but she was not interested in any of them.
This is the result of what I call our Love Compass. The needle on the compass keeps pointing in the same direction based on our CORE BELIEFS ABOUT OURSELF IN RELATION TO LOVE. This particular client had a mother who consistently sent her messages that she was not good enough. So her radar is currently stuck on a married man where the underlying message is that she’s not good enough because he doesn’t leave his wife.
But you don’t have to be stuck with a faulty needle on your Love Compass! You don’t have to keep attracting men you aren’t interested in.. The main reason you are not in a relationship currently with the Love of Your Life is actually your own thoughts and beliefs and your Love Compass.
This is SUCH GOOD NEWS! Because the one thing we do have control over and can change is our own thoughts. But first we have to be aware of how old thoughts turned into beliefs we are still holding on to. Here are a few more examples:
• Cora’s father constantly complained that her mother tried to manipulate him to get him to do things that aren’t his job, such as household chores. Cora grew up believing that marriage meant being tricked and manipulated.
• Fran grew up with an older sister who was constantly getting in trouble and causing grief for her parents. Fran came to believe is she was always very good, then she was pleasing her parents and easing their burden. Today in her marriage, she projects these beliefs about being VERY GOOD, so that if her husband makes any mistakes, she becomes enraged.
• Dalia’s mother always leaned on Dalia when she was depressed and made it Dalia’s job to make her mother happy. Dalia grew up believing that she always had to make everyone happy and if someone she cared about was unhappy, Dalia felt emotionally destroyed.
By uncovering these beliefs, each of these women were able to make some changes that gave them the REAL ANSWER to finding the love of their life:
• Cora learned that commitment didn’t cause people to change like her father stated and was able to stop sabotaging every relationship she got in to. She is now dating a great man and discussing moving in together
• Fran learned that neither she nor her husband has to be perfect and she can now accept him fully for the great man that he is. She also accepts herself and has let go of the unrealistically high expectations she puts on herself at work and at home.
• Dalia now has healthy boundaries in her relationships and realizes that sometimes other people are going to be disappointed or unhappy with her decisions, but she doesn’t feel driven to please them and be responsible for their feelings. This helped her leave an unhealthy relationship and take some time to focus on her own needs. She has recently started dating and feels confident she will find a great partner.
If you are ready to figure out why you keep attracting the wrong man or end up in the wrong relationships, get my free worksheet here. I lay out the steps for you so you can see how your beliefs could be pointing your Love Compass in the wrong direction! If you are not getting the results you want in love, find out where that needle is stuck so you can point it toward the love you really want!
