In my last post about The Ring of Fire, I mentioned Toby, who bravely entered TROF when dealing with a painful breakup.
Today, I want to follow up with you about Toby because her story demonstrates what can happen when we set a boundary in our relationships.
Remember, Toby ended her relationship because she knew that she wanted to be exclusive and she found out that he had been with other women and he did not want to commit to exclusivity.
The update is that after Toby set this boundary for herself, he came back a few days later and said that he realized how much he loved her and was ready to agree to exclusivity.
Now, of course, I am not suggesting that when we set a boundary for ourselves that the other person will automatically change their behavior. But here is the important part. She was willing to set that boundary for HERSELF!
So, if he had not come back, Toby would have continued her visits to TROF (feeling the pain of the loss) until the pain was all burned away and then be ready to find what she wanted.
The most important part of a boundary is that it’s always about ME. A boundary consists of two things:
• What I do not want/will not tolerate
• What I will do to protect myself if you continue to violate my boundary (not to punish you).
Here is a basic example:
• I don’t want to sit and wait if you are late
• If you are not there within 15 minutes of the time we agreed on, I will leave
The trickiest part of the boundary for most people, including myself) is that we have to let the other person have their feelings about it. And they may not like it. That is their business. We have to stay out of the business of worrying how other people will react and say in the business of taking responsibility for the only 3 things we can control:
• Our thoughts
• Our feelings
• Our actions
It goes without saying that the 3 biggest things we cannot control are:
• Other’s thoughts
• Other’s feelings
• Others’ actions
So, what can a boundary do?
It can move you towards what you want, by saying NO to what you don’t want.
What do you struggle with around boundaries in your relationship(s)?
Post your questions here and I promise to answer.
