I know that this is a HUGE question and I could go in many directions, but I want to look at this in relation to what I talked about last week. I asked you to think about some important questions that drive the behavior of focusing on other’s needs instead of your own:
- What am I believing about myself that creates lack of worth or acceptance or approval?
- Why do I think others won’t approve of me?
- Why do I believe that if I don’t do for you or please you, then you will reject me?
Did you think about this? What did you come up with?
Here’s what one client, Jackie, shared with me:
I really spent some time thinking about this, Ellen. I realized that I often don’t ask for what I want because I’m afraid that the other person will get upset. I do this with my boyfriend and I do it at work. With my boyfriend, I have this constant underlying fear that if I rock the boat too much, he will leave. So I focus on trying to keep him happy. I thought about what I’m believing about myself that creates this lack of worth and I discovered the painful thought that I’m not good enough.
Can you relate?
Do you have a belief somewhere that you’re just not good enough?
I think that most of us do have this thought in one form or another.
Look at how powerful this is when we look at Jackie’s comments! Firstly, she is focusing her energy on making him happy. Which, by the way, we can’t actually do. We cannot make another person happy. Only their thoughts can make them happy. So then we also have the task of knowing their thoughts.
This is a lot of work.
Then, on top of that, she’s not paying attention to what makes her happy. Why? Because she’s afraid of rocking the boat. Jackie has a belief: If I rock the boat, he may leave.
This belief drives her to ignore her own needs. Working with Jackie in a coaching session, she was able to see that her fears of him leaving are deeply imbedded in her brain from the experience she had growing up when her father left the family to marry another woman and start a new family.
So, to answer the question in the title, that belief is holding her back. It’s holding her back from knowing her needs and wants and from expressing her needs and wants in her relationship and in and her career.
What can Jackie do to change that belief? A good first step is outlined in my free e-Guide The Real Reason You Are Not in a Great Relationship Might Surprise You: How to Recognize it and Overcome it!
Get the Real Reason E-GuideWhat are you believing that is holding you back? Please post in the comments because I’ll bet you’re not the only one!
Also, if you didn’t get the exercise last week on how to better identify and meet your needs, do that now.
Get the Exercise
