Last week, I talked about how we all develop a storage area of repressed and unfelt feelings in our ‘basement’ and how other people and circumstances push our buttons. This causes the elevator to fill up in the basement and open up on the first floor with a load of feelings that we dump on the one who pushed our button. Or, if it’s a circumstance (on hold for an hour then the call drops, etc.) we dump on the person who is there or our loved ones. Our loved ones get it the most because we feel safest showing them our unmasked selves.
I ended the post with this thought:
I am always responsible for all of my feelings and my behavior
Today I want to address how to manage the elevator syndrome so that you don’t keep dumping these strong emotions on those you love (and strangers).
First, you have to accept that in this present moment you are flooded with strong emotion. Don’t try to send these difficult or uncomfortable feeling back down into storage. A good thought to start practicing might be:
I can handle these feelings. They can’t kill me.
Next, you have to allow the feelings. This basically means that you practice this adult skill called processing a feeling.
You can go here for a free download of the worksheet that goes over the 5 basic steps:
• PAUSE
• CONNECT
• NOTICE
• STAY
• TRANSFORM
There will be times when the elevator door opens and you can’t just stop what you’re doing and go inside and stay with the sensation in your body. That’s why you need to practice it as often as you can when you do catch yourself in a place where it’s safe to do it. If you’re with your partner, just say something like,
I’m really trying to do better with not overreacting so I need to take a break, or
I’m a bit overwhelmed right now and I don’t want to take it out on you so I need to step away and walk myself through a calming exercise.
I think they will be pleased that you’re not just reacting from impulse or habit. The more you practice this, the more natural it will become. What you’re really doing is shifting from the habit of avoiding difficult feelings, to an emotional adult who deals with their feelings.
Sometimes these emotions will feel awful, but what is the price you pay for not feeling it?
- You will use compulsive behaviors to keep pushing it down. Overeating, over-drinking, overspending, overworking, mindless scrolling; the list is endless
- You stay in your head and overanalyze the situation and create more drama and anxiety
- Focusing outside of yourself. You put your attention on the other person, you blame, you judge, you justify. This is just a form of self-abandonment.
- You try to control other and situations so you don’t have to feel what you don’t want to feel (disappointment, loneliness, hurt, sadness…)
- You learn to just walk around numb (I call it half-dead)
The second tool I want to share with you will help you learn to calm down the intensity and operate from a place of mindfulness. It is a meditation adapted from Marsha Lucas, PhD’s book: Rewire Your Brain for Love. She talks about the idea of learning to regulate your body to deal with fear.
Dr. Lucas recommends mindfulness practices that address our neuropsychology in several different ways.
The first is to deliver GABA to the amygdala. GABA is a soothing and inhibitory neurotransmitter that provides an override switch, which turns off the alarm button of the amygdala.
The next is to increase production of oxytocin (another neurotransmitter). This happens when you feel calm and safe in the presence of another-or, if you think about someone with whom you feel safe. It increases when you’re hugging, which can also happen when you press snugly against your chest and belly.
Thirdly, is activating the parasympathetic nervous system. This branch of your nervous system is like the brake pedal, and brings about a state of relaxation and clearer insight.
The following practices send messages through the vagus nerve that everything is okay and you’re out of danger:
- breathing more slowly
- relaxing your tongue
- opening your mouth slightly
- imagining heat in your hands
Let’s put all of these mindfulness practices together in a guided meditation that you can practice anytime you feel that elevator opening.
It’s really important to practice this meditation regularly in order to train your brain how to calm down and relax. I know that you may not be able to immediately pull out your phone and listen to the audio right in the middle of being triggered by your partner or other person/circumstance. But the more you practice it regularly, the easier it will be to remember what to do. And if it is your partner or someone close to you, it’s always okay to say, I need to take a moment to be able to think clearly and respond well. So be sure to record it on your phone too.
Click the comment button at the top and tell me what you think or how it worked for you.
