In the last few weeks, I’ve talked to you about why it is important to lean into discomfort and shared some tips on how to do that. Today, I want to apply this to our relationships so you can see why getting out of your comfort zone is hugely beneficial if you want better relationships.
Let’s talk about intimate partner relationships. In all relationships, we have to be willing to see things from our partners’ perspective if we hope to be empathic. And I believe that empathy is a mandatory skill. Often, it can be very uncomfortable to put aside your own beliefs, thoughts, agendas, ideas and strong feelings to really tune into what your partner is saying or experiencing. But what are the consequences of NOT leaning into this discomfort? The same argument over and over? The cold shoulder? Lack of closeness? Lack of sex? I can think of at least ten more consequences of not pushing yourself to consider your partner’s viewpoint, but you get the idea.
But if you can remind yourself that your Lizard Brain wants to stay the same and see things the way you have always seen them, then you can learn some ways to work with your Inner Lizard. Sometimes it helps to objectify this part of your brain, so picturing that you have a lizard living in your head can help! It’s a reminder that you are not a pig-headed jerk, you just have a part of your brain that resists change. The lizard wants to be comfortable because, in a certain primitive way, it sees discomfort as a threat to your survival.
So talk to your Inner Lizard (this is called thinking about your thinking). Tell it that you appreciate the internal warning signals it gives you to try and keep you safe, but that your Human Brain is taking over here because you really are not in danger and to EVOLVE (remember, the Lizard just wants to survive) you need to be uncomfortable. You can remind the Lizard of the ways you have taken a risk and been very successful.
The goal here is to be aware that what is happening when you dig your heels in or get attached to being right with your partner, is that your Lizard Brain is stepping in because it thinks you are in danger. All you have to do is get better at noticing when this happens and then intentionally shift into Human Brain and make a higher level decision to step into discomfort by putting aside everything Lizard is saying and focus on what your partner’s view is. What is she/he thinking, feeling, trying to tell you? This is the time to be really OPEN. That is uncomfortable.
But like I said last time, the more you practice the easier it gets. But depending on how long you’ve been thinking about it one way, it may take A LOT of practice. But don’t give up. It’s so worth it. Everything we want is on the other side of discomfort, even in our relationships.
PS This is a great TED talk that illustrates the point about how some automatic (Lizard Brain) patterns in our brain take lots of practice to change.
