WHY HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ARE SO IMPORTANT AND HOW TO SET THEM

Boundaries have definitely become a mental health buzzword.

Normally, I don’t like using buzzwords with my clients or in my writing, but I’ll make an exception here because boundaries are SO IMPORTANT. They represent where you end and I begin. They define what is my business and what is your business.

Byron Katie talks about being in other people’s business:

If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine? We’re both over there. Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn’t work. To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what’s right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you. 

Isn’t that brilliant? Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own.  How do we stay in our own business when someone else is doing something that bothers us?  By managing our own reactions.  We have two basic choices; react by removing ourselves from them, or change the way we see it so we are not bothered (or bothered as much).

Let’s look at the first option:  remove yourself from the other person.  This can take different forms.  It can be as simple as saying,

I don’t like it when you raise your voice at me so if you continue, I’m going to hang up the phone (or leave the room, or leave the conversation…)

Notice that the above statement contains the three ingredients of a healthy boundary:

• what I will not tolerate
• what I will do if you continue to violate my request
• it’s focused on me, not telling you what to do

Now let’s look at the second option that involves staying in your own business.  The second option is to change the way you see it so you won’t be bothered.  Here’s what this might look like:

Your spouse has a bit of a temper when it comes to home improvement projects.  He has asked you to hold something in place while he hammers, screws, or otherwise makes a mess with tools.  He proceeds to raise his voice and swears when it doesn’t work out the way he wants it to. You tell yourself,

He’s yelling because he is frustrated and wishes it would go his way.  This has nothing to do with me.  I don’t really like yelling, but I can stay out of his business and remember that I am just an observer here.

Okay, so those were fairly simple examples. What if he is yelling at you or being verbally abusive?  Again, you have the same two options.  You can leave the room, or even leave the relationship.  That is your decision.  Or you can choose to see it differently.  I’m not suggesting that women (or anyone) should tolerate abuse by seeing it differently, that’s their business. That’s not my business.  I’m just saying that each of us has the power to decide and the power to stay in our own business.  As Byron Katie said above, do I know what’s right for me?  That’s my only business.

What are your questions or challenges with boundaries?  I’d like to write some more blog posts on this topic and answer your questions.  Click the comment section next to the title.

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