We all have manuals about how other people should act. How they should treat us. What they should do and shouldn’t do. My teacher, Brooke Castillo, calls it The Manual.
We also all have Relationship Manuals. How any person I am in a relationship should act. Here are a few chapters from My Relationship Manual:
Chapter One: Never raise your voice at me.
Chapter Two: Don’t criticize me.
Chapter Three: Always show me respect.
I could go on and on. And each chapter has some specific details.
There’s only one problem. No one else seems to want to follow my manual all the time. I can’t imagine why since it makes perfect sense!
So what happens when we have a manual and our partner, friends, family and coworkers don’t follow it?
If we’re not paying attention to our thoughts, we will probably get upset.
But here’s the really good news. We get to decide how we want to react. We get to decide what to think about it. I find that just knowing that My Manual exists, really helps me to remember that not one person on this earth ever agreed to follow my manual. So I need to stop expecting them to.
Here are a few examples of how my clients used their awareness of their manuals to find more peace in their relationships.
Leslie is an executive in a large corporation. She and her husband got away for a few days mini-vacation. On the day of check-out, Leslie was back in work mode. She sensed that her husband was upset that it wasn’t going to be a sleep-in and cuddle/sex morning because his mood changed, he became impatient and agitated withher and gave her one-word answers.
Leslie’s Manual said that if something bothered him he should let her know (my manual says that too). So she was pissed and pulled away from him and breakfast started out frosty. Then Leslie realized that she was using her Manual to decide how he should act. Instead, she put his behavior in the Circumstance line of her model, which then allowed her to decide how she wanted to think and feel about his behavior. When she’s in her Manual, her thoughts go to how wrong he is. She didn’t like the result that was getting her, so she decided
that the result she wanted was a pleasant drive home. She wanted to feel understanding about his behavior instead of angry. So she tried on the thought,
He seems disappointed or upset but doesn’t want to talk about it so I will stay in my business.
By deciding to stay in her business, she felt neutral. That dissipated her anger and allowed for a pleasant ride home. She decided that feeling understanding was too big of a stretch at that point so she found that neutral worked to get the result she wanted. The drive home was peaceful and pleasant.
Sandy is clear on her boundaries and what she feels is safe regarding COVID-19 and her family. Her in-laws have very different thoughts and boundaries than she does. Her husband is feeling stuck in the middle about an upcoming holiday party where his family wants to see their children.
Sandy is frustrated and upset with her husband because in her Manual, he should side with her and what’s best for the kids. As you can see, it’s really easy to buy into the belief that “I am right”. Unfortunately, being right is not getting her any positive results. It’s getting her painful arguments with her husband. I asked Sandy,
“what result or feeling would you like to get from how you decide to think about your husbands stance?”
She replied,
“I want to stop fighting, know that we can protect ourselves and our kids which will make me feel less anxious and afraid.”
So Sandy came up with a better thought than the one out of her Manual. Her better thought was
I understand that my husband has a hard time saying no to his family. Instead of being angry at him, I can partner with him to figure out a plan that works to keep us safe.
Just by letting goof her Manual belief and approaching him from a place of partnering, they were able to talk together and he made the decision that they should not go to the party.
It’s so easy to hold on to our Manuals and being “right”. But most of us don’t want to live by someone else’s Manual. Just taking the time to ask yourself,
“What is it that I really want to achieve here?”
will help you let go of your Manual.
What are some examples of where it’s hard to let go of your Manual?
